


impending gay disasters

by tobiology



Series: volleygays in chatfics ! [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, M/M, Simp Bokuto, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, captains gc, chatfic, give daichi a break, hopelessly pining, iwachan stop trying to kill oiks, kuroo oikawa best friends, someone get kita some wine, suga and daichi are basically married but they refuse to accept it, ushijima just wants to be a farmer and kiss tendou
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:34:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27512386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobiology/pseuds/tobiology
Summary: captain squad?did you mean simp squad?the story of sappy romances, blossoming friendships and hurtful betrayals. (not really theyre all just sappy, gay and dramatic)aka. that time when kuroo was attention deprived and gay so they decided to make a groupchat which was the second coming of hell.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kita Shinsuke/Miya Osamu, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shirabu Kenjirou/Ushijima Wakatoshi - One sided, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: volleygays in chatfics ! [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1997773
Comments: 96
Kudos: 371
Collections: Chatfics I simp for





	1. the one where it all began

**[ kurobro > bokubro ] private messages ** _\- 8:43pm \ Sept 23rd 2012_

**kurobro** BRO LETS MAKE A CAPTAINS GC

 **bokubro** WHY

 **kurobro** IT WOULD BE FUN

 **bokubro** OKAYOKAY

 **Bokuto Koutarou** created 'CAPTAIN SQUAD'  
 **Bokuto Koutarou** added **Sawamura Daichi** and **Kuroo Tetsurou**

 **Kuroo** HEYYYYY FUCKERSS

 **Sawamura** what the fuck is this

 **Kuroo** a captains gc Σ(*ﾉ´>ω<｡`)ﾉ   
**Kuroo** to y'know discuss captain-y stuff

 **Sawamura** dont bullshit me,, you and i both know for a fact that's not what this will be used for

 **Bokuto** BROOO HEYY WHATS UP

 **Kuroo** HEY BO !!!!!

 **Bokuto** I KNOW ANOTHER CAPTAIN CAN I ADD HIM >>>

 **Sawamura** sure

 **Kuroo** HELLO? THIS IS MY GROUP

 **Bokuto Koutarou** added **Ushijima Wakatoshi**

 **Sawamura** oh hello

 **Kuroo** holy shit is that ushiwaka

 **Ushjima** yes that is me. what is this

 **Bokuto** A CAPTAINS GC USHI

 **Sawamura** i guess we should do intros?

 **Ushijima** before we begin, may i add another captain

 **Kuroo** sure ?

 **Ushijima Wakatoshi** added **Oikawa Tooru**

 **Oikawa** what the fricky frick frack fuck  
 **Oikawa** what the fuck is this

 **Sawamura**...oikawa?

 **Oikawa** KARASUNO'S THIGH CAPTAIN??

 **Kuroo** THIGH CAPTAIN BYE

 **Sawamura** excuse me what now

 **Bokuto** SEE BRO I WAS TELLING YOU EVERYONE IN MIYAGI CALLS DAICHI THAT

 **Sawamura** THEY DO?

 **Oikawa** did,,, did you not know

 **Sawamura** NO WHAT THE FUCK

 **Ushijima** i dont

 **Oikawa** thats because you have the humour of a 65 year old man

 **Bokuto** OMG IVE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SHUT DOWN USHI

 **Kuroo** k so i barely know 2 out of 5 ppl in this so,, EVERYONE DO INTROS OR DIE BY MY SWORD  
 **Kuroo** also yaku told me to say that i dont actually have a sword

 **Sawamura** sawamura daichi, he/him

 **Oikawa** oikawa tooru, they/them

 **Kuroo** AYY TWINSIES

 **Ushijima** he/they, ushijima wakatoshi

 **Bokuto** BOKUTO KOUTAROU HE THEY

 **Oikawa** so would someone mind explaining what the fuck this is

 **Sawamura** kuroo doesnt have any friends so they made a captains groupchat

 **Oikawa** lmao

 **Bokuto** IM THEIR FRIEND

 **Kuroo** I HAVE FRIENDS THANK YOU BVERY MUCH

 **Ushijima** well it certainly doesnt seem like it.

 **Sawamura**..

 **Oikawa**...

 **Bokuto**...

 **Kuroo** i cant even be mad because i know they're not trying to be mean

 **Ushijima** did i say something wrong

 **Sawamura** no youre doing amazing sweetie

 **Kuroo** and oikawa said ushiwaka was the 65 year old man

 **Sawamura** WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

 **Bokuto** HE MEANS YOU ACT LIKE A DAD

 **Oikawa** technically all captains act like dads,, sawamura is the only responsible one

 **Kuroo** huh wdym

 **Bokuto** IM A DAD ^_^

 **Ushijima** i am not a father

 **Oikawa** k so,, sawamura is the picture perfect responsible father, he's loving caring etc   
**Oikawa** bokuto is the fun dad thats also fun and caring but theyre more care free and act more like a friend  
 **Oikawa** kuroo is the bitchy kind of dad, theyre not that nice when youre younger but once you grow up and find common interests he obsess over them with you and spoils you  
 **Oikawa** Ushijima is the stoic father thats just never there

 **Sawamura**... and oikawa is the type of father thats just an asshole

 **Kuroo** i dont have kids but that was spot on

 **Bokuto** ofc id be a friend to my kid!! my kid cant trust me if im not their friend!! i cant help them if they dont trust me!!

 **Sawamura** that is.. surprisingly sweet

 **Kuroo** he may be a goddamn himbo but theyre pretty smart when it comes to feelings and all that cool jazz

 **Ushijima** what is a himbo?

 **Oikawa** bokuto and ushijima are himbo's send tweet

 **Sawamura** a himbo is like a guy thats muscular but dumb

 **Ushijima** oh

 **Bokuto** im not that dumb,, im average !

 **Oikawa** k so would someone PROPERLY explain why this group was made

 **Kuroo** fine kenma wouldn't pay attention to me so i made this

 **Sawamura** you know she doesnt have to pay attention to you right ??

 **Kuroo** I KNOWWW BUT I LIKE THEM SO MUCH

 **Bokuto** 2 minutes in and this group chat has already turned extremely gay

 **Oikawa**... okay what about it

 **Kuroo** YOU DONT HAVE ROOM TO TALK MR. IM IN A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SETTER

 **Bokuto** Kuroo what?? IM NOT DATING AKAASHI

 **Sawamura** you aren't??

 **Oikawa** who??

 **Kuroo** YOU ARENT??

 **Bokuto** no ;((

 **Bokuto** akaashi is my really pretty setter

 **Kuroo** is true love dead

 **Sawamura** i mean if bokuto and akaashi arent together than probably

 **Kuroo** i hate pining

 **Sawamura** oh shush at least your crush is gay while im here in love with a straight man

 **Oikawa** you think koushi is straight ??  
 **Oikawa** THAT MAN IS HOMSEXUALITY ON STILTS

 **Bokuto** IVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL SAWAMURA THAT

 **Kuroo** HOMOSEXUALITY ON STILTS I LOVE THAT

 **Sawamura** how would you know that ??

 **Oikawa** im pretty sure id know if my ex was straight or not

 **Kuroo** YOUR WHAT

 **Bokuto** WHAT

 **Sawamura** excuse me what the everlasting fucking fuck?

 **Ushijima** i believe this is when you say 'language!'

 **Oikawa** lol yeah i dated koushi for 2 weeks in our first ?? year

 **Kuroo** eek good break up or bad break up

 **Oikawa** oh no nothing bad! we just mistook platonic feelings for romantic,, we dated for 2 weeks and realized that we didnt really like each other that way so decided to stay friends instead  
 **Oikawa** we're still best friends now!! they & semi from Shiratorizawa came over last weekend for our monthly movie night

 **Ushijima** youre friends with semi?

 **Bokuto** OOO I KNOW SEMI !! THEYRE COOL

 **Kuroo** daichi bro u good,, u've been quiet fir a while now

 **Sawamura** just wondering what lowered suga's standards so much that he dated oikawa

 **Oikawa** HEY I HAPPEN TO BE A GREAT CATCH DAI-CHAN

 **Sawamura** dai-chan? really?

 **Kuroo** i still can't believe daichi though sugawara was straight

 **Oikawa** honestly daichi how bad is your gaydar

 **Kuroo** d'you think that means he doesnt know that their entire team is gay

 **Sawamura** WHAT

 **Bokuto** you've got to be kidding me

 **Kuroo** i cant do this, topic change

 **Oikawa** TELL ME WHO YOURE IN LOVE WITH

 **Ushijima** why would you assume we like anyone

 **Kuroo** shut up ushiwaka, everyone knows you've got the hots for your setter

 **Sawamura** do captains just have a thing for setters?  
 **Sawamura** kuroo is hopelessly in love with kozume, bokuto has akaashi, i have suga and ushiwaka apparently likes his setter too

 **Oikawa** i love myself does that count

 **Kuroo** who are you bullshitting oikawa 'inferiority and superiority complex' tooru

 **Oikawa** YOU KNOW WHAT

 **Bokuto** out of all of us who do you think would get their partner first

 **Sawamura** weirdly i think oikawa 

**Ushijima** i think it would be kuroo (they do seem to be the one most hopelessly in love)

 **Oikawa** uh i vote bok-kun,, him and his setter are horribly in love  
 **Oikawa** i get cavities just watching their matches

 **Bokuto** hm i'd have to say its probably ushiwaka, i mean who would reject them

 **Kuroo** thank you for your faith in my ushiwaka but i am in fact a pussy, i think it would be daichi

 **Oikawa** y'know what i've realized?

 **Kuroo** that most thoughts are better left unsaid

 **Oikawa** hah nice try  
 **Oikawa** isn't it a bit too early to be wearing halloween make up

 **Kuroo** FIRST OF ALL. NO.  
 **Kuroo** secondly, this is just my face .

 **Sawamura** HAHHAHAHA

 **Oikawa** ew who laughs like that

 **Kuroo** ee wtf daichi

 **Bokuto** i honestly dont get how oikawa and kuroo can go from fighting to agreeing within like 2 messages but okay

 **Ushijima** i need advice?

 **Oikawa** no go away

 **Kuroo** THE ushiwaka needs help? what's up my guy

 **Bokuto** USHIII WHATS WRONG

 **Sawamura** is everything okay ushijima?

 **Ushijima** what do you do if the person you like, likes someone else

 **Oikawa** ohhh i was wondering when you would realize

 **Bokuto**?? 

**Kuroo** WHAT??

 **Sawamura** oh my gosh

 **Oikawa** shirabu, the setter that ushijima likes, likes someone else

 **Kuroo** how do you know ?

 **Ushijima** i heard satori talking to reon saying that he saw them kiss

 **Bokuto** WHO

 **Sawamura** im sorry that sucks ushijima (

 **Oikawa** shirabu and semi have been dancing around each other for years, it was about time  
 **Oikawa** sorry ushijima but you'll find your person, you cant spend your entire time wallowing

 **Oikawa** an author once said ‘A person doesn’t know true hurt and suffering until they’ve felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere,’ so you just have to endure the pain, i promise it'll go away

 **Kuroo** bullshit have you ever stepped on a lego? THAT SHIT HURTS

 **Sawamura** READ THE MOOD KUROO

 **Ushijima** no its okay that was funny

 **Kuroo** ohmygodimadeushijimalaugh

 **Bokuto** BRO LEGO'S HURT SO BAD ITS SO ANNOYING

 **Oikawa** what are we even doing

 **Ushijima** wallowing?

 **Sawamura** wasting our lives?

 **Kuroo** dying? crying?

 **Bokuto** yearning?

 **Oikawa** i meant in this groupchat jfc do you all need therapy?

 **Kuroo** don't act as if you aren't just as mentally ill

 **Oikawa** touché

 **Sawamura** good god we are just a huge mess

 **Ushijima** We're supposed to be good role models we cant wallow like this.

 **Bokuto** suppression isnt any better ushii

 **Kuroo** lmao i dont care about being a role model, i have kai for that

 **Oikawa** how did you even make captain??  
 **Oikawa** how did any of you make captain?? like sawamura being captain is the only one that makes sense

 **Ushijima** pubicity

 **Bokuto** im not as dumb as you think i am

 **Kuroo** kai hates orders and yaku couldn't be a captain since he's a libero so-

 **Sawamura** i think the rule that libero's cant be captains is a blessed rule

 **Bokuto** AMEN if komi was captain i would've died

 **Ushijima** Yamagata would not be a good captain

 **Oikawa** i dunno my libero's pretty chill hates responsibility though

 **Sawamura** we were discussing captains for next year and our second years all voted for it to be ennoshita and then Tanaka said that noya couldn't be captain and i think we dodged a huge bullet there

 **Kuroo** im not sure who to pick for captain next year? Kenma would kill me if i made him captain and fukunaga is a good idea but he hates orders and isnt assertive so i might have to settle for taketora but nothing is finalized yet

 **Oikawa** seijoh has a tradition for setter captains so Yahaba is going to be captain next year

 **Ushijima** Coach Washijou picked Shirabu to be the next captain, I think.

 **Bokuto** I PICKED AKAASHI

 **Sawamura** of course you did

 **Oikawa** have you thought about who would be captain after that? when our current first years are third years?

 **Sawamura** hmm im not sure but i think Yamaguchi would be a good fit

 **Bokuto** hmm probably anahori he's a good kid

 **Kuroo** not lev thats for sure, most likely inuoka 

**Ushijima** Goshiki

 **Oikawa** all of your choices make sense i was just planning on making kindaichi and kunimi duke it out in a rock paper scissors match

 **Sawamura** how are you a powerhouse school

 **Kuroo** OMG I JUST REALIZED

 **Oikawa** that most thoughts should be kept inside?

 **Bokuto** THEY USED YOUR OWN LINE AGAINST YOU LMAO

 **Kuroo** SHUT UP TRASHY  
 **Kuroo** what i was saying is that we're all hopelessly gay for our best friends

 **Oikawa**..

 **Bokuto**..

 **Sawamura** i mean youre not exactly wrong-

 **Ushijima** im not in love with my best friend

 **Kuroo** bullshit

 **Ushijima** but i like shirabu ?

 **Sawamura** dont tell me the eagle is oblivious to his own feelings

 **Oikawa** you can like two people,, especially since one of them is taken and you need to get over them

 **Ushijima** but

 **Bokuto** who is ushijima's best friend anyways

 **Ushijima** Satori

 **Bokuto** whomst the fudge?

 **Kuroo** tendou satori, the red haired middle blocker

 **Oikawa** 'fudge'?!?*#@( the fuck

 **Bokuto** my baby cousin is reading this over my shoulder

 **Oikawa** DID I JUST SWEAR IN FRONT OF A CHILD OH NO

 **Sawamura** tch tch such a horrible role model

 **Kuroo** you evil bastard

 **Oikawa** S T O P

 **Bokuto** I HAD AN IDEA

 **Kuroo** brace yourselves

 **Sawamura** why?

 **Kuroo** when bokuto has an idea it normally ends up with someone hurt or in jail

 **Oikawa** what the fuck

 **Bokuto** SHUT UP

 **Bokuto Koutarou** changed ' **Captain Squad** ' to **simp squad**

 **Bokuto Koutarou** changed **Sawamura Daichi** 's name to **dai  
** **Bokuto Koutarou** changed **Kuroo** **Tetsurou** 's name to **tetsu  
** **Bokuto Koutarou** changed **Oikawa Tooru's** name to **toto  
** **Bokuto Koutarou** changed **Ushijima Wakatoshi's** name to **waka  
** **Bokuto Koutarou** changed their name to **kou**

 **waka**...

 **dai**.. i-

 **tetsu** im ok w this

 **toto** what the fuck


	2. why do our kouhai have better game than us??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **dai** dream on shittykawa
> 
>  **toto** WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT
> 
>  **dai** hajme 🥰
> 
>  **toto** BETRAYED BY MY OWN BESTFRIEND

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sawamura Daichi > dai [he/him]  
> Bokuto Koutarou > kou [he/they]  
> Kuroo Tetsurou > tetsu [they/them]  
> Ushijima Wakatoshi > waka [he/they]  
> Oikawa Tooru > toto [they/them]

**simp squad** _\- 11:47pm \ Sept 25th 2012_

**#general**

**dai** IM JUST SAYING  
 **dai** IT SHOULD BE ILLEAGAL TO BE THAT OBVIOUSLY IN LOVE AND NOT BE TOGETHER

 **toto** what's going on?

 **kou** apparently hinata and kageyama are in love but arent dating

 **tetsu** daichi is getting so worked up over this its hilarious

 **toto** OH BOY CAN I RELATE TO THAT  
 **toto** KUNIMI AND KINDAICHI ARE BASICALLY DATING BUT NEITHER OF THEM WILL ADMIT IT

 **waka** my kouhai's arent like that thankfully

 **tetsu** seeing yaku and lev makes me puke like we all know you like each other just get over ur pride and ask them out ??

 **dai** RIGHT?? LIKE??

 **kou** 99% sure konoha and komi are fucking but they won't tell me

 **toto** eye uh idk why i expected bokuto to be innocent

 **tetsu** theyre literally my best friend,, what did you expect?

 **toto** touché

 **waka** Isn't that spanish?

 **kou** i-

 **tetsu** how did you even get into shiratorizawa-

 **waka** Scholarship

 **dai** HELLO WE WERE TALKING ABOUT MY HOPLESSLY GAY KOUHAI WTF

 **toto** we get it you're sUfFeRinG

 **dai** I AM??

 **tetsu** so simps what're we doing today

 **toto** i am NOT a simp

 **dai** lmao okay oikawa 'iwa-chan' tooru

 **toto** FUCK YOU SAWAMURA

 **dai** no thanks

 **kou** yeah thats sugawara's job

 **toto** ew no keep your impure thoughts away from my best friend

 **tetsu** technically they were daichi's best friend first

 **toto** LALALALALALA I CANT HEAR YOU

 **waka** the team is having a sleepover today

 **dai** yikes good luck team sleepovers never go well

 **toto** lmao last time we played t or d at the sleepover, i ended up kissing iwa-chan, makki stripped and scarred the first years, kunimi got drunk and yahaba and kyoutani got into a fist fight

 **kou** jfc why does it sound like your team hates each othr

 **toto** cause we do

 **tetsu** we had a team sleepover a few weeks back,, yaku had to spiderman-kiss lev it was funny, shibayama passed out, kai just straight up left, inuoka and lev got drunk and kenma threw their controller right at tora's face

 **kou** fukurodani isn't too crazy, we mostly played mario kart and watched movies, oo komi and konoha did have a mini prank war though

 **dai** ahh your stories are so... cute

 **toto** what you think your team can do better?

 **dai** the last time we had a team sleepover, hinata was stuck in kageyama's lap for the entire night, tsukishima and yamaguchi got everyone drunk, tanaka got a kiss from kiyoko, yachi threw a knife at ennoshita's head, asahi fainted, nishinoya got stuck on the ceiling, suga exploded slime and almost burnt my kitchen down, narita started a food fight, then tanaka and nishinoya tp'd tsukishima.

 **tetsu** jesus fucking christ what kind of truth or dare did you play

 **dai** we didnt play truth or dare

 **kou** what the fuck

 **dai** we were just watching movies

 **toto** how are you still alive holyshit your team is a fucking walking talking headache

 **waka** It's okay Sawamura, I can relate, my team is very wild too.

 **tetsu** i call bullshit

 **waka** _attachment.jpeg [ a video of semi chasing tendou with a knife, goshiki and kawanishi trying to drag shirabu out of their dorm room, neon shaking his head, yamagata laughing at semi and tendou, who then turn to him and push him out the balcony, the screen pans down to Yamagata in the pool flipping off semi and tendou as they laugh ]_

 **toto** and here i though my team was the dumbest  
 **toto** we definitely have you all beat out in most sexual tension though

 **tetsu** naw no way, karasuno is probably the gayest and most sexually frustrated team out of all of us

 **dai** explain ??

 **tetsu** hinata and kageyama's sexual tension was suffocating EVERYONE at the fukurodani training group, you and suga are hoplessly in love but won't admit it, tsukki has a thing for his best friend but he won't do anything, pretty sure your managers are gay for each other and your ace and libero are definitely dating .

 **kou** is everyone on that team dating each other ??

 **dai** (*#UHJ(*@NF@HUJ NO  
 **dai** tanaka likes this girl from his elementary school i think? she's the an ace for a girls team and ennoshita likes the date tech captain

 **toto** moniwa-kun?

 **dai** nah its futakuchi i think

 **kou** woah more captains? should we add them?

 **toto** moniwa isn't captain anymore  
 **toto** and i'd rather die than be in a group with futakuchi

 **waka** futakuchi kenji is.. something

 **dai** what's wrong with them ?

 **tetsu** do tell pls

 **waka** He has a.. different way of talking to people ig

 **toto** HES A FUCKING MENACE

 **kou** THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY THEY EXPLAINED IT IM DYING

 **dai** come on, he can't be worse than terushima

 **waka** That's because no one is worse than terushima

 **tetsu** KUHJFWUNEJK

 **kou** LETS ADD THEM

 **dai** no way 

**toto** no ❤️

 **waka** Thanks but like no thanks

 **tetsu** is there a possibility hinata might have these two captains numbers?

 **dai** maybe? why?  
 **dai** oh shit no

 **tetsu** BET

 **toto** sawamura-kun,,, what have you done

 **waka** Sawamura Daichi, why, just why?

 **dai** just daichi is fine  
 **dai** IT WAS A MISTAKE IM SORRY

 **kou** im kind of excited to meet them

 **toto** you will eat those words

 **dai** NO ONE MENTION ENNOSHITA'S CRUSH ON FUTAKUCHI

 **toto** relax i don't care act ur replacement enough to fuck up their love life

 **dai** i-

 **tetsu** added **futakuchi** to simp squad

 **dai** how are they my replacement??

 **toto** its the thighs

 **tetsu** its the thighs

 **kou** thighs

 **waka** You're both smart and kind leaders of the team

 **dai** ushijima really is the only normal one in here

 **futakuchi** oh hey what's this  
 **futakuchi** i agree though ennoshita and daichi-san have k i l l e r thighs

 **futakuchi** bu twhy, why are we talking about their thighs

 **dai** blame oikawa

 **terushima** holy shit like oikawa oikawa? the setter?

 **toto** no oikawa the libero  
 **toto** yES THE SETTER

 **futakuchi** oh hey oikawa-san

 **toto** NO FUCK U LEAVE

 **futakuchi** I JUST GOT HERE ??

 **dai** ignore them, they're mentally ill

 **kou** way to break the news daichi

 **toto** EXCUSE YOU

 **tetsu** i knew this was a good idea

 **waka** it is not a good idea,,,

 **kou** le gasp, no caps or punctuation,, u broke ushiwaka

 **futakuchi** i would kill to be crushed by those biceps

 **waka**... thank you ?

 **toto** LET ME UNREAD THAT, LET ME UNREAD THAT

 **dai** i am scared, so very scared

 **tetsu** you know what  
 **tetsu** same

 **kou** i-

 **futakuchi** why are all of u so hot what the fuck

 **toto** i'm hot but idk abt the rest of these idiots

 **tetsu** i am in class 6 fuck you

 **kou** IM REALLY HOT TYVM

 **dai** kuroo what

 **futakuchi** i have no idea who like half of you are though

 **waka** We should probably do introductions again

 **toto** alrighty  
 **toto** im oikawa tooru, they/them, 3rd year setter + captain at seijoh

 **dai** sawamura daici, he/him, 3rd year wing spiker and captain on karasuno

 **kou** bokuto koutarou, he/they, 3rd yr fukurodani ace and captain !! at your service !

 **tetsu** kuroo tetsurou, they/them 3rd year nekoma middle blocker captains and hottest person here checking in

 **toto** LIES

 **waka** ushijima wakatoshi, he/they, 3rd year ace and captain at shiratorizawa.

 **futakuchi** futakuchi kenji he/bun 2nd year captain 'n ace @ date tech

 **dai** youre the ace ?

 **futakuchi** yeah?? i've been the ace for a while now??

 **tetsu** AYO MORE NON BINARY BUDDIES

 **waka** sawamura is the only cisgendered one in here

 **toto** the only valid cissie

 **futakuchi** lmao i already love it here

 **toto** YOU ARENT ALLOWD TO LOVE IT HERE FUCK OFF

 **futakuchi** IM JUST EXISTING LEAVE ME ALONE

 **kou** _@toto @waka_ why do u not like futakuchi ? bun seems so cool

 **futakuchi** i- thank u sm  
 **futakuchi** u used my neopronouns omg

 **kou** why would i not? those are the prns u use right ??

 **futakuchi** idk some of my classmates just use 'he' for me and never use bun so ig bun being used feels nice

 **toto** firstly, GIVE ME THE ADDRESS I SWEAR I WILL BEAT A FEW BITCHES UP  
 **toto** secondly, YOU FUCKING SUCK FUTAKUCHI

 **dai** there is so much unpack here

 **waka** i believe what oikawa means is that youre a salt shaker

 **futakuchi**....  
 **futakuchi**.. okay what about

 **toto** futakuchi sweetie what are their names i just wanna talk i promise

 **tetsu** same,, maybe they'd like to have a talk with my fists :)

 **kou** i can bring swords

 **toto** i can bring nail guns

 **futakuchi** i already?? love u all??

 **waka** even oikawa?

 **futakuchi** especially oikawa :)

 **toto** NO FUCK U SALTY ASS HOE GET AWAY FROM ME

 **dai** BOKUTO WHY DO YOU HAVE SWORDS??

 **kou** demon slayer cosplay

 **toto** oh okay

 **dai** you bought,, real words,, for a cosplay.

 **kou** yes? should i not have?

 **tetsu** bo, darling, my best friend  
 **tetsu** normal people buy fake swords

 **toto** how did u even get a real sword

 **kou** they're not that expensive

 **futakuchi** HOW IS A SWORD NOT EXPENSIVE???

 **toto** i am so scared of bokuto rn

 **tetsu** bokuto is like rich rich

 **waka** i have a sword too but its for decorations

 **dai** oh okay

 **kou** YOU QUESTION MY SWORD BUT NOT RURU'S NAIL GUN ?

 **toto** omg ruru i lvoe that

 **futakuchi** everyone has nail guns though

 **kou** yeah, i have one too but still

 **waka** as do i

 **dai** my dad has one, he uses it for all his woodhsop projects

 **tetsu** (i dont think they know what a nail gun is)

 **kou** its a gun that shoots out acrylic nails right ?

 **toto** i-

 **dai** I'm sorry wha-

 **waka** excuse me ?

 **futakuchi** LMAO NO ITS LIKE THIS STAPLE THINGY TO NAIL WOOD TOGETHER

 **tetsu** damn u futakuchi why'd u have to ruin it,, it was funny

 **toto** futakuchi and terushima's names are so long hold on  
 **toto** can i have mod 

**kou** yep hold up

 **kou** there

 **toto** changed **futakuchi** 's name to **kenji**

 **dai** WHY DOES BUN GET BUNS PROPER GIVEN NAMES BUT I HAVE TO SUFFER WITH DAI

 **kou** their given names are too short to be shortened

 **toto** i believe in the power of nicknames so i hereby declare you all :  
 **toto** dai-chan, waka-chan, tetsu-chan, kou-chan the second, yuu-chan and ken-chan

 **tetsu** oikawa really said: lets butcher everyones names

 **waka** if i let you call me that will you come to shiratorizawa

 **toto** WE'RE LITERALLY GRADUTATING IN A MONTH WAKA-CHAN

 **kenji** ushijima-san, question, do you actually want oikawa-san to come to shiratorizawa or do you just like pissing them off

 **waka**... i like pissing them off

 **toto** MOTHERFUCKER

 **kou** hey! why am i kou-chan the second >_<

 **toto** because the first kou-chan is sugawara koushi and they're prettier  
 **toto** btw you all can call me tooru, oikawa, oiks, kawa or like anything idm 

**waka** you all can call me ushijima or wakatoshi 

**dai** just daichi is fine for me

 **toto** dai-chan <3

 **dai** i hate you so much

 **kou** you can call me whatever you like! i dont care abt honourifics !!

 **kenji** uh same

 **tetsu** you can call me daddy ;)

 **toto** mUST YOU RUIN EVERYTHING ?

 **tetsu** yes

 **kenji** @toto how many nicknames do you have for people ??

 **waka** oh no

 **dai** shit

 **toto** GLAD YOU ASKED.  
 **toto** lets see there's: iwa-chan, kou-chan, mattsun, makki, yaba, kyou-ken-chan, kuni-kun, kin-chan, wata-chan, chibi-chan, tobi-chan, eita-chan, moni-chan, libero-chan, tetsu-chan, dai-chan, kou-chan, waka-chan, yuu-chan, ken-chan

 **tetsu** what. the. fuck.

 **toto** why NOT

 **kenji** im just-what- hpw= why-  
 **kenji** i have so many questions

 **tetsu** im suddenly questioning my own existence

 **kou** that's, so many, nicknames

 **dai** tag yourself im 'imjust-what- hpw= why-'

 **waka** im 'what. the. fuck.'

 **tetsu** why are you 2 not suprised

 **dai** we've known oikawa since our first year, we've learnt not to question whatever bullshit they spit out anymore

 **toto** DAI-CHAN MEAN >_<

 **dai** oikawa. facts.

 **kou** we have our spring preliminaries soon and my coach is making us constantly practice

 **kenji** ahh seijoh just beat us in the preliminaries last week >:(  
 **kenji** speaking of?? doesn't karasuno play against seijoh soon ?

 **dai** uh yeah, the match is on october 26th i think

 **toto** ill crush u dont worry

 **dai** dream on shittykawa

 **toto** WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT

 **dai** hajme 🥰

 **toto** BETRAYED BY MY OWN BESTFRIEND

 **tetsu** best friend? sorry did you mean my ace that im hopelessly in love with ?

 **toto** yes that too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has been in my drafts for like ever now so i though i'd post it !


	3. in this world you either yeet or be yeeted.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sawamura Daichi > dai [he/him]  
> Bokuto Koutarou > kou [he/they]  
> Kuroo Tetsurou > tetsu/greasy cat [they/them]  
> Ushijima Wakatoshi > waka [he/they]  
> Oikawa Tooru > toto/french steamed whore [they/them]  
> Futakuchi Kenji > kenji [he/bun]

**simp squad** _\- 2:47am \ Sept 29th 2012_

**kou** YEETED

 **tetsu** YOTE

 **kou** YEETED

 **tetsu** YOTE

 **toto** FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **kenji** no no let them continue

 **waka** see this is why we don't like you

 **kenji** i-

 **tetsu** BWEHF BYE

 **dai** why the everlasting fuck are you heathens awake at this hour

 **kou** gay panic

 **tetsu** gay panic

 **toto** aliens and anxiety

 **waka** trauma

 **kenji** i dont have a reason im just up for funzies

 **toto** never say funzies again

 **dai** wakatoshi-kun? what?

 **waka**...

 **dai** IS NO ONE ELSE CONCERNED??

 **tetsu** listen, daichi, we all have our fair share of trauma we know what they mean and its better not to budge

 **toto** how tf are kou-chan and tetsu-chan having a gay pain at the same time?

 **tetsu** fukurodani-nekoma joint sleepover.

 **kou** AKAASHI LOOKS SO PRETTY WHILE SLEEPING SOBS

 **kenji** w-why are you sobbing

 **waka** its an expression futakuchi.

 **tetsu** KENMA'S BASICALLY SLEEPING RIGHT ON TOP OF ME IM GOING TO DIE

 **dai** shouldn't you fucktwits be sleeping rather than staring at your setters

 **kou** YOU HYPOCRITE I'VE SEEN YOU STARE AT SUGA'S LEGS AT PRACTICE

 **toto** SEJFKN DAI-CHAN YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL THEM OUT

 **dai** I CAN EXPLAIN

 **kenji** can you though

 **dai** If you give me thirty seconds to think of a good lie, yes

 **waka** (hopeless gays)

 **tetsu** EXCUSEYOU??  
 **tetsu** USHIWAKA?

 **waka** yes? what's wrong?

 **kou** YOU LTTLE

 **waka** i didn't say anything, oikawa did i say anything?

 **toto** hmm no not that i can think of? 

**tetsu** FUCK YOU BOTH SO MUCH

 **kenji** trust me you don't want to fuck them

 **dai** are you speaking from experience or...

 **toto** I HAVE BETTER STANDARDS THAN FUCKING FUTAKUCHI FUCK YOU TERU

 **waka** I would rather die than have sex with Futakuchi.

 **dai** for the love of god please go to sleep 

**kou** SLEEP IS FOR THE WEEK

 **tetsu** i hate you all

 **kenji** you say that as if you wouldn't die for bokuto in a heartbeat

 **tetsu**.. i hate you all

**simp squad** _\- 4:37am \ Sept 30th 2012_

**tetsu** AND THAT IS WHY ALIENS ARE NOT REAL

 **toto** i- i've shown you the evidence!! ALIENS ARE REAL U IMBECILE

 **waka** why are you all still awake

 **kenji** better question: why are YOU awake

 **waka** i keep my phone under my pillow and the notifications woke me up

 **kou** dude- phone under a pillow is like a sure shot way to die

 **waka** i know.

 **toto** pftt i always sleep with a knife under my pillow,, y'know just incase someone tries to kill me

 **kenji** why would anyone want to kill you-

 **dai** actually i know a lot of people that would love to kill oikawa, myself included.

 **tetsu** me too

 **waka**...

 **toto** WAKA-CHAN DONT U DARE

 **waka** me three

 **kou** me four

 **toto** KOU-CHAN #2 YOU TOO?? IM SO ALONE SOBBING AND CRYING 

**kenji** u still have me ;)

 **toto** no fuck you salty ass hoe

 **dai** i.. i still done get why you hate bun

 **waka** lots of reasons

 **toto** THIS ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE.  
 **toto** STOLE MY DATE.

 **kenji** OH COME ON? THATS WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

 **toto** UH YES??

 **tetsu** explanation ??

 **dai** please just solve this and go the fuck to sleep im tired

 **waka** i agree, we have practice soon

 **toto** IN MY 2ND YEAR. WHEN FUTAKUCHI WAS A FIRST YEAR. I WAS ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE AND THIS MF A S S H O L E JUST SHOWS UP AND S T E A L S M DATE???  
 **toto** HE WAS HOT TOO

 **kenji** THAT WAS MY COUSIN YOU FRENCH STEAMED WHORE

 **toto** IVE HEARD THAT EXCUSE BEFORE SALTY MC SALTYNESS

 **tetsu** who would be dumb enough to date you

 **toto** your mom actually

 **tetsu** YOUR MOM JOKES?? IN THIS DAY AND AGE?

 **kou** i have never cringed harder

 **waka** do you get your comebacks from your mom tooru?

 **toto** FUCK YOU WHORES

 **tetsu** can we roll back to where futakuchi called oikawa a french steamed whore bc i feel like there's a lot to unpack there

 **kenji** i said what i said shit fucks

 **dai** why,, why a french steamed whore

 **kenji** they're a pretentious asshole,, therefore french steamed whore

 **dai** understandable have a nice day

 **kou** i have an idea

 **tetsu** oh no

 **kenji** oh ho oh?

 **waka** go wild

 **toto** WILDCATS!

 **waka**.. what

 **kou** huh

 **toto** YALL HAVENT WATCHED HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL??

 **tetsu** no? should we have?

 **dai** oh god not that abominations

 **kenji** i've heard of it

 **toto** FUCK YOU DAICHI HSM IS A STAPLE MOVIE TO WATCH  
 **toto** that's it, this weekend. we're all watching hsm

 **tetsu** me and bo are in tokyo though?

 **toto** does it look like i give a flying fuck? you _will_ come here to watch hsm

 **kou** jeez okay you french steamed whore

 **kou** changed **toto** 's name to **french steamed whore**

 **french steamed whore** what the fuck

 **tetsu** BAHHAHHAHSAHS

 **dai** how do you still do a hyena laugh over t e x t

 **tetsu** my mouth can do many wonders daichi,, wanna find out?

 **dai** ew god no id rather fling myself off the nearest cliff

 **waka** i'm going to go to sleep. i've found out way too much about you all tonight for my sleep-addled brain to process

 **kou** boo you whore

 **kenji** did u, did u just call top 3 national ace ushijima a whore

 **kou** am i wrong?

 **dai** well

 **french steamed whore** YOU ARE INFACT NOT WRONG THANK YOU

 **tetsu** oya øya øya?

 **kou** doesn't ushi like a taken man

 **waka** _possibly_ taken.   
**waka** and i think i might like my best friend too

 **kenji**.. that makes it worse  
 **kenji** you see how that makes it worse right?

 **tetsu** QUICK LIST ALL THE PEOPLE YOUVE DATED/LIKED OR HOOKED UP WITH

 **kenji** i don't remember everyone I've hooked up with but i went on a couple dates w/ tanaka from krsn

 **dai** what the fuck? sTAY AWAY FROM MY KIDS YOU WHORE

 **kou** :D LOOK

> **dai** what the fuck> sTAY AWAY FROM MY KIDS YOU WHORE

**kou** HE CALLED THEM HIS KIDS

 **dai** KOUHAI. I MEANT KOUHAI

 **french steamed whore** uh ive dated koushi and this girl called aoi,, thats it i think

 **tetsu** bo and i actually dated for a bit when we first met and then i had a dumb crush on yaku for a while but that was all mostly to get over kenma,,  
 **tetsu** spoiler it didn't work

 **french steamed whore** you?? and bo-kun??   
**french steamed whore** @ _kou_ i thought you had better standards than a greasy cat

 **kou** that was b4 i met akaashi,, akaashi raised my standards by like a 1000

 **tetsu** BO I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

 **kou** we were friends until you drunk kissed akaashi

 **tetsu** WE WERE PLAYING TRUTH OR DARE. YOU KISSED KENMA TOO REMEMBER

 **kenji** why are your love lives so confusing

 **french steamed whore** its not fun if its easy

 **kenji** you 3 strike me as the type of people that say 'i cause problems on purpose'

 **french steamed whore**...

 **kou**...

 **tetsu**...

 **dai** you've said those haven't you

 **kou** m a y p e r h a p s

 **dai** i dated this girl yui, she's our girls teams captain and i dated one of my middle school friends, he plays for tokonami now

 **waka** i dated reon in our first year, then i dated kiyoomi in my second year, and then after that i went on a few dates with kita but we decided to stay friends instead

 **kou** and now you like your best friend and your setter  
 **kou** i was ri g ht WHORE

 **kenji** ive only ever been on like 3 dates

 **french steamed whore**?? why ??

 **kenji** you'll find it surprising how many people reject you after finding out you use neopronouns

 **french steamed whore** B UL LSHIT   
**french steamed whore** TMRW @ 7PM IM SETTING YOU UP ON A DATE IDC WHAT YOU SAY

 **dai** why are you so confusing, you hate bun one second and the other you're setting bun up on a date.

 **french steamed whore** setting people up is the only thing i have going for me in life leave me alone

 **tetsu** you're a renowned setter, one of the smartest people in your school and you think _matchmaking_ is your skill in life?

 **french steamed whore** no i was just fishing for compliments

 **tetsu** bitch

 **french steamed whore** changed **tetsu** 's name to **greasy cat**

 **greasy cat**..  
 **greasy cat**.. what did i ever do to you french steamed whore  
 **greasy** AND WHO GAVE YOU MOD??

 **french steamed whore** god

 **waka** you all scare me sometimes?

 **kenji** sometimes? these bitches be scaring the living daylights out of me 24/7

 **waka** this is the one and only time i will agree with you

 **greasy cat** the rest of you just lack a sense of humour

 **kou** no! I LAUGH AT AKAASHI'S JOKES ALL THE TIME

 **greasy cat** thats because youre a simp, doesn't mean they're funny

 **kou**... your sense of humour is 2008 memes sit down greasy cat

 **dai** oikawa's sense of humour is your mom jokes i dont think they have any place to judge

 **french steamed whore** knock knock

 **dai** who's there

 **french steamed whore** a bitch

 **dai** oh tell kuroo to go away

 **tetsu**??

 **waka** he's implying youre a bitch

 **tetsu** YES I AM AWARE BUT W H Y

 **dai** ruined my sleep

 **kou** GOODFUCKING NIGHT BITCHES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is pretty short but i had to get smth out?? the next chapter is going to be the before/during the shiratorizawa vs karasuno game just bc i said so <3
> 
> leave a kudos or comment and ill love u forever


	4. it's a avocadooo...thanks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> enter kita shinsuke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sawamura Daichi > dai [he/him]  
> Bokuto Koutarou > kou [he/they]  
> Kuroo Tetsurou > greasy cat [they/them]  
> Ushijima Wakatoshi > waka [he/they]  
> Oikawa Tooru > french steamed whore [they/them]  
> Futakuchi Kenji > kenji [he/bun]  
> Kita Shinsuke > kitkat [they/them]

**simp squad** _\- 12:34am \ Oct 1st 2012_

**greasy cat** you guys have no idea how unearthly _gorgeous_ this person is  
 **greasy cat** and _completely out of my league_

 **french steamed whore** woah calm down there romeo, your gay panic is valid  
 **french steamed whore** but it's not as bad as mine

 **kenji** on the contrary i think ushijima is the worst

 **waka** excuse you ?

 **kenji** m y g u y  
 **kenji** you're pining after a _t_ _aken_ guy,, idk how much worse you can get

 **waka** futa don't act as if you didnt have a crush on karasuno's mini-captain when they were in a relationship

 **dai** excuse me what

 **yuuji** kenji had a crush on your #7 even when they were dating that one dude from kakugawa

 **dai** i am, i am so confused

 **greasy cat** anyways,, back to me

 **french steamed whore** literally everything is about you

 **greasy cat** as it should be  
 **greasy cat** where's bo?

 **kenji** @ _kou_ where you @ ??

 **greasy cat** bokutooooo koutarouuuu

 **french steam whore** BOKKUN

 **dai** dont you have his number kuroo? just? call them?

 **waka** I on the other hand am going to go to bed. Goodnight.

 **kenji** ushiwaka neither uses perfect punctuation and grammar or types like they're high  
 **kenji** there's no in between

 **greasy cat** good idea daichi i'll try that

 **waka** question,, we all call each other by our family names but everyone calls daichi, daichi

 **french steamed whore** that's because he's daichi

 **waka** it's because he's daichi

 **greasy cat** think of it like this, would you call your dad by his family name? no right? same thing, different font

 **dai** oh fuck no i am not responsible for you heathens

 **kenji** _t h e n w h o i s ?_

 **dai** kozume is for kuroo, akaashi is for bokuto, iwaizumi for oikawa and moniwa for futakuchi

 **waka** and me ?

 **dai** i would love to meet the person that is able to manage your ass

 **greasy cat** le gasp the shade

 **french steamed whore** THATS MY THING CHUCKLE FACE

 **kenji** chuckle-face? really?

 **french steamed whore** see this is why nobody loves you

 **kenji** ouch

 **waka** deserved

 **kou** ushiwaka's team captain must be the person that can handle them right? who is it?

 **greasy cat** ...

**kenji...**

**dai** ...

 **french steamed whore**.. how are you in class 7

 **greasy cat** all of us are captains

 **kou** _unwillingly_

 **french steamed whore** okay cryptid keep yall secrets

 **kou** IM NOT BEING CRYPTID IM JUST BUSY

 **waka** @ _kou_ i am the captain

 **greasy cat** oh yeah doing what

 **kou** im working over the bracket for the spring qualifiers that start up soon

 **greasy cat** oh shit i should look into that too

 **kenji** i meant, ushiwaka's captain when they were a first/second year

 **dai** the image of wakatoshi being anything other than a 3rd year is confusing 

**french steamed whore** same  
 **french steamed whore** im pretty sure ushiwaka was born 20 years old

 **waka** i was not born _20 years old_ **  
** **waka** and my previous captain was ozaki fuji

 **greasy cat** lets add them

 **dai** what is wrong with you

 **greasy cat** a lot of things, do you want the list sorted by severity or alphabetically

 **french steamed whore** you all scare me  
 **french steamed whore** and i have iwa-chan for a best friend so that says something

 **kou** isnt the point of being captain to instill fear in others

 **kenji**..no

 **dai** do any of you even manage your own teams

 **waka** we cannot add my old captain tyvm

 **greasy cat** i manage practices and stuff! .. but kai and yaku normally do the boring paperwork shit

 **french steamed whore** have you met my team? do you really think anyone on there is capable to manage us?

 **dai**.. fair

 **kenji** i work _with_ my manager, we do the work equally

 **dai** so you mean to tell me, that out of all of you, the only one that does his fucking job is _futakuchi_

 **kenji** WHY DID YOU SAY IT LIKE _THAT_

 **dai** i pray for your teams

 **waka** i think my team will be in good hands after i leave

 **kou** im baaack  
 **kou** what are we talking about

 **greasy cat** back read

 **kou** oh!  
 **kou** my team will be in great hands! im making akaashi captain

 **kenji** im going to be captain again next year so :p

 **french steamed whore** _*hiss* second years_

 **dai** first years are so nice, and then they turn into 2nd years

 **french steamed whore** i'm making yahaba captain to continue the setter captain trend ^_^

 **dai** we let the 2nd years decide on their own, i think they decided on ennoshita

 **kou** FUTAKUCHII  
 **yuuji** YOU GET TO BE CAPTAIN WITH UR CRUSHH

 **greasy cat** i wanted to make kenma captain but i know if i do that they will skin me alive so i haven't decided yet

 **waka** i'm making shirabu captain,  
 **waka** bun's the only one on the team to have passes shiratorizawa's entrance exam test and everyone is scared of them

 **kenji** of course you are you useless fucking gay

 **waka** i- i feel called out and i don't like it

 **kenji** WHY ARE YOU ALL SO GAY

 **french steamed whore** the internet

 **waka** god

 **greasy cat** do i look like i know-

 **dai** suga

 **kou** akaashi

 **french steamed whore** i-

 **greasy cat** LMAO FAIR, EVERYONE IS A LITTLE GAY FOR SUGA AND AKAASHI

 **dai** excuse me

 **kou** what

 **kenji** what they mean is that both of your crushes are extremely hot and you should ask them out before they do

 **greasy cat** basically yeah

 **kenji** am i the one captain ever that isnt' stupidly gay??

 **waka** no the inarizaki captain doesn't like anyone i dont think

 **dai** inari what now

 **kou** OH YOU MEAN KITA??

 **waka** yes

 **kou** WE SHOULD ADD THEM OMG WAIT

 **french steamed whore** WHO??

 **greasy cat** wait what's going on-

 **kenji** IDK

 **kou** added **kita shinsuke**

 **kita**... hello ?

 **waka** hello kita shinsuke

 **kita** wakatoshi-kun how many times do i have tell you that just kita is fine.

 **waka** sorry, kita

 **greasy cat** hello whoever u are! welcome to the captains gc

 **kita** oh?  
 **kita** i dont know like.. any of you, so do you mind if we do introductions?

 **french steamed whore** ofc! im oikawa tooru, they/them aoba johsai 3rd yr captain 'n setter

 **dai** wh why are u mentioning that ur captains this is literally a captains gc everyone is a captain  
 **dai** sawamura daichi, he/him, karasuno 3rd year

 **greasy cat** bc they lack in the mental department  
 **greasy cat** kuroo tetsurou, they/them nekoma 3rd year

 **kenji** futakuchi kenji, he/bun 2nd year date tech  
 **kenji** im pretty sure theyre both in advanced classes-

 **kou** u already know me and ushi !!!

 **kita** i'm kita shinsuke, they/them inarizaki 3rd year

 **greasy cat** WAIT OMG

 **greasy cat** changed **kita** 's name to **kitkat**

 **kitkat** literally why

 **greasy cat** why not

 **french steamed whore** so where were we  
 **french steamed whore** oh right,, we were trying to see something,, apparently all captains are extremely gay and ushiwaka said u were the only exception

 **kenji** PLS BE A NORMAL GAY PLS BE A NORMAL GAY

**kitkat ...**

**waka** well?

 **kita** added **miya osamu**

 **miya** uh.. shin?

 **kitkat** hi everyone meet my date mate

 **greasy cat** DATE MATE OMG

 **french steamed whore** OHMYGOD

 **kenji** _s i g h s_

 **miya** what the actual fuck

 **kenji** back read

 **miya** wh  
 **miya** .. srsly shin?

 **kitkat** yes

 **waka** so all captains aRE inexplicably gay?

 **kenji** NUH UH IM STILL NORMAL

 **french steamed whore** you are everything _but_ normal, sit down bitch boy

 **miya**.. can i leave now

 **kitkat** yes

 **miya** thank

 **miya osamu** left **simp squad**

 **greasy cat** wait who is futakuchi gay for

 **french steamed whore** krsn's ennoshita

 **kenji** SHUT THE FUCK UP WHORE

 **dai** futakuchi.

 **kenji**.. yes

 **dai** stay away from my team

 **french steamed whore** LMAO DAI-CHAN IS STRAIGHT UP COCKBLOCKING U BEFORE YOU EVEN TALK TO THE GUY

 **waka** there is nothing straight about this

 **greasy cat** i- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sry for the delayed update!! i was just busy with other fics!
> 
> i won't be getting back to my regular posting schedule yet (i have finals soon!) but by february i should be back to normal weekly update order!


	5. i wish this was vodka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sawamura Daichi > dai [he/him]  
> Bokuto Koutarou > kou [he/they]  
> Kuroo Tetsurou > greasy cat [they/them]  
> Ushijima Wakatoshi > waka [he/they]  
> Oikawa Tooru > french steamed whore [they/them]  
> Futakuchi Kenji > kenji [he/bun]  
> Kita Shinsuke > kitkat [they/them]

**simp squad** _\- 4:31pm \ Oct 9th 2012_

**french steamed whore** i  
 **french steamed whore** am so gay

 **dai** we know oikawa

 **french steamed whore** i am so fucking gay

 **greasy cat** you're vv valid and we (Sometimes) appreciate you but do you really have to come out every afternoon after your team finishes practice

 **french steamed whore** EVERYONE IS HOT

 **kitkat** i present you: Oikawa tooru, disaster bi pretending to be distinguished

 **greasy cat** i take that and i raise you: bokuto koutarou, disaster bi pretending to be functional

 **french steamed whore** i hear you people but may i suggest: sawamura daichi reluctant disaster gay pretending to be distinguished

 **kou** okay but futakuchi kenji, disaster bi .

 **kenji** i

 **waka** kita shinsuke, chaotic gay pretending to be functional

 **kitkat** thanks i hate it

 **kou** ushijima wakatoshi: dumb gay

 **kenji** kuroo tetsurou: a fucking asshole

 **greasy cat** WHAT DID I DO TO YOU

 **kenji** breath 

**greasy cat** i

 **french steamed whore** maybe futakuchi has some rights

 **kenji** i try

 **greasy cat** did  
 **greasy** **cat** did they just bond over hating me

 **french steamed whore** yes

 **greasy cat** i hate this fucking groupchat

 **kou** even me??

 **dai**? and me ?

 **greasy cat** i would pay good money to watch oikawa and daichi get run over by a car

 **dai** i

 **dai** left the chat !  
 **kenji** added **dai** to the chat !

 **kenji** get back here bitch

 **dai** i hate this fucking family

**simp squad** _\- 5:19pm \ Oct 9th 2012_

**french steamed whore** so tangled

 **kou** what about it

 **french steamed whore** nothing i just really love it

 **dai** isnt  
 **dai** istn that a kids movie

 **french steamed whore** TANGLED IS A CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE SHUT THE FUCK UP DAICHI  
 **french steamed whore** FIRST HSM AND NOW TANGLED??  
 **french steamed whore** GOD ITS LIKE YOU HAVE NO TASTE

 **greasy cat** damn if i knew that all it took for Oikawa to get annoyed was insulting disney movies i would've done it sooner

 **waka** i like tangled

 **french steamed whore**.

 **french steamed whore** left the chat !

 **waka** was it something i said?

 **kou** ofc not you're doing great

 **dai** i think just ur mere existence pisses them off

 **greasy cat** no one add them back

 **kitkat** are you all often this crazy

 **dai** crazier

 **kitkat** yik e s

 **kenji** i'm just standing here like: 3rd years are fuckin WACK

 **kitkat** speaking off, why ARE you here

 **kenji** i'm a captain duh

 **kitkat** yes i know that but like ur a 2nd year

 **kenji** what's that supposed to mean??

 **kitkat** 2nd years are a fucking menace

 **dai** SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK

 **waka** i like my 2nd year  
 **waka** shirabu

 **greasy cat** kenma's a 2nd year no kenma slander

 **dai** i honestly thought kenma was a first year when i met the is that bad .

 **greasy cat** im

 **kenji** are they tiny ??

 **dai** no  
 **dai** just the vibes

 **kou** AKAASHI IS A 2ND YEAR TOO NO SLANDER

 **kitkat** im surprised you can spell slander

 **kou** isnt ur date mate a 2nd year

 **kitkat** yes and theyre a fucking menace

 **dai** wait kita u havent told us who ur next captain is going to be

 **kitkat** DONT REMIND ME I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

 **dai** JSD

 **kitkat** kosaku and ginjima are both to quiet and can't assert themselves well enoguh  
 **kitkat** suna would be my pick but they're too antisocial and threatened me if i made them captain  
 **kitkat** so its between the twins  
 **kitkat** aka between my date mate and their twin

 **greasy cat** shit thats tough

 **kitkat** the logical option would b atsumu but i dont want osamu to feel bad

 **kou** tsumu's like bat shit crazy though

 **kitkat** true btu  
 **kitkat** he's also the most passionate abt the sport and he knows how to handle the team

 **kitkat** he just can't handle himself

 **kitkat** which is why im thinking atsumu captain and osamu vice

 **french steamed whore** y are 2nd years so confusing

 **kenji** im cool though right  
 **kenji** guys  
 **kenji** GUYS

**simp squad** _\- 6:01am \ Oct 10th 2012_

**dai** wait @kenji ur old captain was moniwa-kun right

 **kenji** yeah

 **dai** cool bye

 **kenji** wh

 **dai** added **moniwa** to the chat !

 **kenji** WHERJEJANSR

 **moniwa** sawamura-kun? what?

 **dai** ur kouhai 😃 is 😃 a 😃 menace

 **kenji** YOU TOO??

 **french steamed whore** I HEARD FUTAKUCHI SLANDER AND RAN

 **kenji** FUCK ALL OF YOU

 **moniwa** yeah im just gonna leave

 **moniwa** left the chat !

 **kou** i am so confused

 **greasy cat** when are you not??

 **kou** ouch my feelings

 **greasy cat** fuck ur feelings

 **kitkat** why r all of you so aggressive today

 **dai** preliminaries are today

 **kitkat** ohhh we had ours a month ago

 **waka** did u win?

 **kitkat** ofc we did

 **french steamed whore** so ur going to nationals?

 **kitkat** ye

 **french steamed whore** damn thats great

 **greasy cat** our prefecture has 3 spots so its more like a game of who's _not_ going

 **kou** itachiyama and fukurodani basically have a guaranteed spot so its mostly between nekoma and nohebi

 **greasy cat** cocky much??

 **kou** no im just looking at it logically,, we've gone to nationals for the past 2 years? i doubt nohebi can beat us out??

 **dai** there are 5 miyagi teams in here and only 1 spot at nationals  
 **dai** can we all promise not to get mad if we loose a game?

 **waka** ofc

 **french steamed whore** im not that much of a bitch

 **kitkat** wow u had me fooled

 **greasy cat** get their ass

 **kenji** what ass

 **french steamed whore** YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SECOND RATE PIECE OF SHIT

 **kou** i've watched miyagi's interhigh and then we practiced with krsn over the summer so im thinking its between seijoh and krsn

 **waka** wh ...

 **kitkat** huh

 **kou** no offence ushijima but ur team hasn't bonded well . theyre all good players for sure and you are close but you dont push each other to best they can be  
 **kou** karasuno and seijoh are much better at that 

**french steamed whore** bo you are now my new favourite person i love u

 **kenji** whAT ABT US

 **kou** date tech will 100% win next year but im not rlly sure abt rn

 **kenji** o h ?

 **kitkat** yk i've always wondered  
 **kitkat** like i've seen oikawa's middle school matches and current ones and they're rlly good

 **french steamed whore** aww thanks

 **kitkat** so why didnt he go to shiratorizawa? im sure they got a scholarship from there so why didnt they?

 **french steamed whore**...

 **french steamed whore** has left the chat !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS RLLY SHORT IM SORRY I FELT BAD ABT NOT POSTING


End file.
